One Movie Marathon to Rule Them All

A month ago we did something ridiculous and outrageous. Outrageously ridiculous. Ridiculously outrageous. Completely bonkers. And it was the most fun I’ve had in a while.

The whole thing started two years before that. December 19th 2021, the 20th anniversary of when The Fellowship of the Ring hit theaters. Mitch and I along with Alex watched it at our friend’s house. Immediately after we made plans to rewatch it and the second of the trilogy on it’s 20th anniversary- December 18th 2022. Which we also did, again at our friend’s house. It was great fun, we made a big English breakfast and some Lembas Bread and it was a delightful way to spend the day. But for the 20th anniversary of Return of the King we knew we needed to step it up. And we really really did.

Prep started weeks before- menu planning, decoration acquiring, nail painting, and rabbit hunting. No actual hunting, just trying to figure out where to buy rabbit meat so Mitch could make coney stew. Bobby ended up finding it at a butcher’s up in Memphis, along with some ridiculously good bacon to go with breakfast. Since Bobby had just moved into his house in October the living room was still bare, which gave me a blank canvas for decorations.

I found vintage national park style posters with locations from the Lord of the Rings, a sign saying “no admittance except on party business”, a “let the adventure begin” banner, and some ivy. I wanted to get him a giant map of Middle Earth too, but maybe for next year. It all turned out pretty nice!

The menu had been planned around the seven Hobbit meals. It was so much food.

The day started early, we had over 12 hours worth of movie to get through so cooking began around 7am for breakfast. Tomatoes, sausages, and nice crispy bacon. And scrambled eggs of course. I think I was the only one who had any tomatoes, it was delicious. Check out my hobbit slippers!

We started the first movie once we had our food and settled in for a day of lounging and eating.

Not actually related to that particular movie marathon, but one of these days I’m going to get an argonath tattoo. Those are the giant statues in the picture above. And probably a balrog tattoo. And of course the one ring.

We watched until Elrond made the grand “You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring” declaration then paused for a quick bathroom break and a Second Breakfast of pastries and coffee. I was still full from first breakfast but I did my best. The chocolate chip brioche bread from Aldi is phenomenal btw.

We finished the first movie ahead of schedule and took another break to stretch, use the bathroom, and emotionally process the first movie. I think if I absolutely had to pick a favorite from the trilogy I’d pick the first one. There are so many scenes from Fellowship that I really love. The shire and hobbit life in general, the overhead shot of the ringwraiths entering the Prancy Pony with swords drawn (I’ve always wanted a tattoo of that too but can’t figure out how to make it work), the Art Nouveau grandeur that is Rivendell, “They have a cave troll 🙃” (I don’t know why but that line kills me), the balrog, the argonath, and of course Sean Bean doing Sean Bean things (“I would have followed you my brother. My captain. My king.” 🫡😭). It’s all so good.

Once we had all woken ourselves up and got the blood flowing again it was time for Elevenses and the start of The Two Towers. For Elevenses we had Lembas Bread and fruit. But no one actually had any fruit. And I was still too full to eat much of the bread. Delicious though.

Of the three movies this one is my least favorite. I do love Gimli though, he’s great fun in this because he’s a natural sprinter. And of course Helms Deep is epic and the Ents destroying Isengard is always a good time. Best scene has to be Aragorn with the dramatic double door entrance. We paused about halfway through for another break and to get a luncheon of baked chicken and vegetables.

Finishing up The Two Towers it was time for another break and afternoon tea. We were going to have Bundt cake but ended up just having tea. The Earl Grey with cream and sugar was particularly good.

The Return of the King started and it was almost time for the long anticipated coney stew. We had made it the day before and it smelled delicious. It was pretty good, but really reminded me of chicken noodle soup without the noodles. If we make it again I’m definitely changing up the herbs and spices in it to give it more flavor. There were definitely potatoes though, I kept hearing “Boil ‘em, mash ‘em, stick ‘em in a stew” on a loop in my head.

As the movie and with it our epic marathon neared it’s end, we prepared our final meal of the day. None of us were hungry at all but we had to do it. By that time Eli and Lily had ridden their bikes over and helped slice everything for the charcuterie.

If you haven’t watched the extended edition of The Return of the King do yourself a favor and check it out. If only to see the Mouth of Sauron. Its amazing. Also “For Frodo.” And I don’t care what anyone says, Legolas sliding down the Oliphant will always be fantastic. And basically the entire movie is great, not just the extended scenes.

With the trilogy done it was time to clean up. There was food everywhere and we had trashed Bobby’s house. It was a long day, and somehow exhausting, but I’m already making plans for next year. This is a new family tradition I’m looking forward to even more than Christmas.

Fasting to Be Still

Last week our church did a corporate fast. Fasting is abstaining from eating. That’s where we get the word “breakfast” from. We fast all night and then in the morning we break our fast. A spiritual fast isn’t just about food though. You can do intermittent fasting to lose weight or for dietary reasons, or even just to save money on groceries. A spiritual fast is a lot more than just the physical aspect of what you are (or are not) eating. It’s humbling yourself before God. It’s taking (forcing) your focus away from your physical self and towards your spiritual self. It’s so easy to just give in to what you feel like at any given moment. Bored? Grab a snack. Angry? Better eat something so you’ll feel better. Sad? Definitely shove your feelings down and put some food on top. Intentionally denying yourself a yummy snack takes discipline and self control, especially in a society where instant gratification is the norm. We don’t want to wait, we don’t want to suffer, we want to move on our feelings immediately.

Several times during the week of our fast I walked past my desk and almost grabbed a Ghirardelli chocolate without thinking. I didn’t even have to be hungry to have the compulsion, it was like my brain stopped working and just went to autopilot. “Yummy snack, conveniently placed, must consume.” Every time it happened I thought about putting the chocolate somewhere out of site but I didn’t. I let it sit there, reminding me that I’m in control, not my chocolate loving lizard brain, and I could use that energy for something productive.

For the first time ever all three kids participated in the fast with us, and we all did the same one. We did the Daniel Fast. In the Bible (the book of Daniel oddly enough) the Babylonians conquer Jerusalem and the King took some of the royal and noble young men to train up as Babylonians. Daniel was one of those young men. The kind gave them rich food and wine to drink and educated them to enter royal service. To stay obedient to God’s law about what he could eat Daniel asked the chief of staff if he could not eat the rich food offered by the king and instead only consume vegetables and drink water. The chief of staff liked Daniel but was worried that the king would get mad when Daniel became weak and thin, so Daniel asked for a ten day trial period for him and his three friends, which the chief of staff agreed to. At the end of the ten days Daniel and his friends looked healthier and were stronger than the other men who had been eating and drinking the king’s food, so they were allowed to continue on just water and vegetables.

Because of their obedience God gave the four of them an unusual aptitude for learning and understanding, and Daniel was given the ability to interpret the meaning of visions and dreams. Once their three years of training were complete, all of the men were brought before the king where he spoke with them and chose the ones who would enter his royal service. Daniel and his three friends impressed him more than anyone and they served the king for a long time. Again and again God used Daniel and his friends to witness and minister to the people of Babylon- interpreting dreams and surviving things they shouldn’t like a fiery furnace and a den full of lions. The book of Daniel is actually crazy. I think my favorite part is when Daniel survives the lions and to punish the men who tried to get Daniel the king threw all of them AND their wives and children to the lions and “The lions leaped on them and tore them apart before they even hit the floor of the den.” The book ends with several chapters of Daniel’s prophetic dreams and it’s super trippy. But it’s astonishing how all of that started with Daniel being obedient in what he consumed.

The Daniel Fast is basically cutting out meats, sweets, and breads. Some people get real legalistic with it, checking labels and ingredients for any traces of wheat or sweeteners, but to me it becomes dietary at that point rather than a spiritual discipline. This year I wanted my whole family to do it together because I need to do better at planning meals and cooking together, so I leaned into that more than the “rules” of the fast. We had vegetable ramen, vegetable stir fry, sweet potato chili, and the most delicious Greek quinoa bowl. Lunch every day was vegetables and hummus. For breakfast the kids had cereal and I had yogurt. So not a strict Daniel Fast, but our focus was on doing it together and stepping outside of our comfort zones and trying new things. And as delicious as the food was we were all frequently hungry. Every “I’m hungry!” or “I’m bored!” turned into an opportunity to think about what we wanted for the future, what we wanted to accomplish, or doing something productive.

Personally I didn’t want to do any Bible reading or a devotional or anything like that. I’m still dealing with some anger and pride and to be completely transparent I was fasting as a way to bring my family closer together and not for any personal spiritual reasons. By Tuesday I decided I should at least do a devotional in the Bible app. I picked a three day one about worship thinking it would be quick and easy. I’d read the little paragraphs of whatever it was, read the Bible verse, and then could go on with my day. But when I started it it was HUGE and full of tasks and journaling and all this stuff I was actively avoiding. I clearly remember thinking, “Ugh, fine. I’ll just do it and get it over with. I should be writing more anyway.” I dove in and let me tell you… the Holy Spirit had been waiting for the opportunity to smack me upside the head. The devotional is called Altars and was written by Bristol House Music and each day is tied to one of their songs. I highly recommend doing it. Even if you don’t want to.

I keep trying to do things myself. I keep trying to fix things and be everything for everybody. I got so busy I let myself forget that I’m not in charge. I got so busy trying to be important (if I’m useful then people will want me around, but that’s a whole other conversation) I forgot that I’m not important. I am in fact nothing, and I can do nothing, except for what God made me to be and is doing through me. I need to just sit in that. I need to abide. To rest. To be still and know. I need to be consumed until everything I’m trying to be is ash. Most importantly I need to love. I don’t need to fix anything I just need to love.

The Most Experienced Traveler

The five of us played Ticket to Ride the other day. It’s a fun game where you get train tickets with different destinations and you have to lay down little tiny train pieces on a big map to connect cities and complete the routes on your tickets. The rule to determine who the starting player is “The player who is the most experienced traveler goes first”. It sparked a fun conversation. I’ve traveled the most and have gone the furthest, and after talking for a few minutes we realized that Alex has flown on an airplane more than Mitch has, because of our trips to Florida in the last year and the times he flew as a baby.

From that conversation came the inevitable “We’re supposed to be in Florida this week but we had to push it back and now we probably have to cancel all together because of money and other stuff going on”. Which is so disappointing. But that’s life. And consequences. I keep wondering if I’m being punished. Like what have I done so wrong that everything is falling apart? I think I figured that out today- I’m not being punished, I’m being reminded to abide. I am SO stubborn God basically had to put me in timeout because I wouldn’t stop going going going and just shut up and listen. I’m so used to being the one who makes decisions and handles things (comes with the territory of having three kids and always trying to be a good mom). Lately I’ve been mad. Like super pissed. Mostly at Mitch, but also at myself and at God. Mitch got a promotion but in going to management he lost the use of a technicians van. So now he takes my minivan to work and I have no vehicle and can’t handle anything anymore. Which kinda makes me enraged if I think about it for too long. So I just stopped thinking about it for awhile, which wasn’t a great idea. Pro tip: if you keep shoving down your feelings eventually they will come boiling out and you’ll have a complete breakdown, probably on New Year’s Eve when you have a bunch of stuff to do and it’ll make you late and will stress you out more. Just a guess. Not like that happened to me or anything…

This week we’re fasting. The five of us as a family and our church as a whole. We do it every year but this is the first time all three kids have participated fully. I’ll make a full post on what we ate, what we didn’t eat, and everything I’ve learned and have been reminded of sometime this weekend or next week. I’m hungry and exhausted, but feeling better than I have in a long time. Today I had a breakthrough, the Holy Spirit reminded me to abide. To be still and know. Then I opened up Timehop (super fun app if you don’t have it btw) and saw that one year ago today the kids and I took our first trip to Florida. It was the first time on a plane for Eli and Lily, and the first time Alex can remember. The memories made me SO mad! HOW did I let my own pride and stubbornness get us to a point where we can’t even afford to pay our own bills let alone go on a trip? WHY did I think I could do it better than God? When did I become so bitter? When did I decide I didn’t need help? Where did my faith go?

So I’m letting go. New year, new me. Not “new me” because it’s a new year, new me because I’m making changes and giving it all to Him. I am clearly not qualified to handle things. And yeah it sucks that we didn’t get to take our trip this month but you know what? I’m pretty sure God has even better things in store for us, and I can’t wait.

Happyish New Year

“New Year, New Me”? I don’t feel new. I feel tired. Kinda sad. Pretty angry. But new? No. New problems, sure. New things to stress about? Absolutely. But a brand new me? Nah. On Sunday evening while we were waiting for the countdown to midnight I was talking to a friend about our resolutions and goals for the new year. I’m kinda going day by day at the moment, and I told him honestly my only goal for this year is to try to be okay. Cause that’s all I’ve got in me right now. 2023 was rough. It’s been one thing after another and left me feeling like a broken failure. I found myself wondering what I’ve done so horribly wrong, why I’m being punished, and what do I need to do to make it stop.

In the past year I’ve been hurt by people I love, more than I’ve ever been hurt before. Some of those relationships have been repaired but some haven’t. Despite the effort on both sides and the incredible friendships that have grown from that I can’t help but wonder if I’m still disposable. And of course I always feel like too much of a burden to ask for any kind of reassurance or clarification. That’s the heart of it though, isn’t it? I feel like a burden, because I feel like I’m not worth the effort. Because I’m not good enough. So obviously I’m disposable. Peoples actions generally confirm that. Let’s ignore the fact that people have their own stuff going on. Their own insecurities and fears and feelings of never being good enough. Nope, their behavior is definitely all about me.

Can you imagine what the world would be like if people were brave enough to voice their insecurities and fears? And if people could put their own fears and insecurities aside to listen to those concerns and respond with love instead of getting defensive and angry? Why is our go to: “They haven’t texted me in awhile, they must be mad at me or they just don’t care. Well the phone works both ways so I guess they can make more of an effort if they want me in their life.” Instead of: “I wonder if they’re okay. They must have a lot going on, I should check in.” When did it become so normal to assume the worst about everyone? People will disappoint you. It will hurt. People will make you mad. That will hurt too, when the anger fades. But guess what? Everyone is hurting. The world kinda sucks right now. Everyone keeps getting sick, it’s too expensive to live, and everyone’s miserable. Why does my hurt entitle me to a self righteous sense of martyrdom? I’m not special because of the crap I’ve gone through and the way some people have treated me. Im not special because 2023 was the worst year I’ve ever experienced. Broken relationships, serious financial hardships, a CPS investigation, losing a vehicle, more broken relationships, more financial hardship, and now I’m being sued. Not to mention our internet has been turned off and our car insurance is about to lapse and our garbage disposal broke . I don’t really sleep anymore I just worry. Doesn’t make me special though. Everyone had a bad year. Everyone has crap going on. Everyone’s hurting.

There’s an expression I’ve seen floating around social media. “Don’t cross an ocean for someone who wouldn’t cross a puddle for you.”

I hate it. I hate it so much. Absolutely cross oceans for people. Love people unconditionally. If love is conditional then it isn’t really love. Sometimes people don’t have a boat. Sometimes people can’t swim. Sometimes people are like the aliens from Signs and they’re allergic to water or whatever and if they get too close to your oceans they’ll straight up die. That’s how not okay people are sometimes. Don’t be taken advantage of and don’t let people use you, but if you have love to give then shut up and give it. Go nuts and don’t expect anything back.

Your worth isn’t determined by who crosses oceans for you, you’re worth more than other people’s actions and opinions. So go wild- cross oceans even when you KNOW you won’t be met halfway or at all. Find joy in the knowledge that you’re irrationally generous with your love. Surround yourself by people who can see you and will cross oceans for you when they can and will meet you, throw you a lifeline, or call the coast guard when they can’t tackle the whole ocean.

I want 2024 to be full of love. Find the joy. Dance it out. Take a nap. Stop taking things personally. Cross oceans. Let people be there for you.

Let yourself be loved. You’re worth it, I pinkie promise.

Life On The Road - Marksmen Edition (February 2018)

This article was originally published on thesinbin.net

FAYETTEVILLE, N.C. - Over the past few years, I’ve developed enough friendships with players in the SPHL to get snippets of life on the road - a photo sent via text of a smoking broken down bus and the mildly irritated caption “This is outrageous…”; a handful of photos showing teammates sitting together on the floor, everyone on a cell phone; texts after an away game, usually something along the lines of “I can’t sleep on the bus” because it’s too uncomfortable or they can’t stop going over the game in their mind, or their teammates are being noisy. I knew how it worked, and I’ve always dreamt of the chance to travel with a team and document it. The opportunity finally came with the Fayetteville Marksmen as they visited the Pensacola Ice Flyers. I thought I knew what I was getting myself into, but as it turns out I had no idea.

 In November, I spent a home weekend with the Fayetteville Marksmen. The entire staff was incredible about giving me access to anything and everything I asked, from the locker room, to the tunnel, they even let me shoot warmups from the bench! It was everything I had dreamed of working with a team on their home ice. What I saw during my time there changed the way I view hockey in general, and the Marksmen in particular. Everyone from the owner, Chuck Norris, (who went out of his way to seek me out and make sure I was taken care of), to the players (who let me in without question or hesitation), to the fans, made me see what I do differently. The prospect of catching up with them on the road and bringing my vision to life was so exciting, and also a little intimidating.

 When I told Marksmen Director of Digital Marketing and Media, Shawn Bednard, about my idea of tagging along with them on the road to do a follow-up piece, combined with my dream life on the road story, I was met with an instant and enthusiastic “Yes!” from everyone. They were facing off three times that weekend against the Ice Flyers. Three days and three nights to learn what life in a hotel is like, three games to figure out the team dynamic in the locker room and on the bus and everywhere else.

 I decided to get to Pensacola a day early so I could be there when the team arrived and also hit the beach for some shark fishing with former RiverKing and current Ice Flyer forward Ryan Marcuz. Sadly, the water was far too rough on Thursday for any fishing, but I was able to visit with him and be there when Marksmen arrived.

 I had kept in contact with a couple of Marksmen players as they traveled. An optimistic “We’re about four hours away!” turned into six hours. As they slowly crawled closer, I became more and more nervous about the weekend ahead. It had been three months since I’d been a guest of the Marksmen, they‘d had a lot of turnover like all of the teams in the league and I was anxious to see how the dynamic had changed, plus how the new guys would welcome me and my plans of following them around with a camera in their face.

 As I turned into the hotel parking lot I saw the bus parked in the back and immediately the nerves turned into a raucous, overwhelming excitement. This was IT!

 Walking into the lobby was surreal. Familiar faces that vaguely recognized me but were too exhausted to make sense of it, new faces curious as to why I was staring so intently. I caught up with Taylor Pryce, one of the former RiverKings, very briefly in the lobby, said hello to Dillon Kelley and the handful of other guys I saw that I recognized from my time in North Carolina, and then took off to process everything and let them sleep after an extremely long day of being on a bus. I was overwhelmed at the enormity of what was happening and the thought of photographing anything that night didn’t even occur to me.

 The next day, Friday, I swung by the Bay Center to pick up my media pass, and headed back to the hotel to catch the players before they loaded the bus and headed to the rink. I watched the team as they emerged from their naps and mentally prepared for the game ahead. The rapport I had witnessed in Fayetteville was still evident. This isn’t just a team, it’s a group of friends.

Brothers even.

 They’re just regular dudes doing guy stuff. They joke, hassle each other, eat a ridiculous amount of noodles, play on their phones, call their girlfriends… just guys being guys. They’re also hockey players, obviously. Depending on what position they play they have different things to focus on, but the goal is the same: win, do their job and help the team come out on top. They’re athletes so a big emphasis is put on take care of themselves. Napping, eating right, stretching, working out, more napping.

 The other side of being a pro athlete is probably the most difficult. Being the “hero”, having fans, little kids looking up to them, dealing with the media, always having to be okay, not letting the home crowd get in their heads on the road. They also have to balance being people with families, most of them have a girlfriend, one even has a wife and a daughter.

I had an interesting talk one evening with Captain Jake Hauswirth about what it’s like doing what he does and also being married with a baby. His wife and their daughter were back in Fayetteville, just like every time he was on the road. I asked him how that works, leaving his family so often. He told me it wasn’t too different than having a “normal” job where he’d be away all day every day, instead he was gone on weekends. It was just their life. The way he spoke of his family made it clear they were his entire world, and the way he spoke of hockey made it clear that was his world too. I’m not sure how both can be so important and all-consuming, but it was. And it worked for them. I better understand the mindset now after living “on the road” with a team for just a weekend, but it’s still hard to wrap your mind around.

 It’s all consuming, a complete and total lifestyle. Everything else disappears and it’s just the team and the game and noodles and naps. I have a huge amount of respect for Jake, he is every bit a captain and their leader. Some of the guys would even ask him for help on how to make their microwaved dinners, the one they went to for help or advice. Even with me, someone who was not on his team and really had no business following them around, he took the time and answered all of my questions patiently, no matter how ridiculous they got or how little sense I made trying to put my thoughts into words.

 It was all fascinating to me, finally seeing what it was like after years of trying to imagine it. A typical day on the road looks something like this:

 They start rolling out of bed and into the hotel lobby around 9 for breakfast. They eat a LOT. They sit in groups of twos and threes and fours, talking and laughing. Once they’re done eating they either load the bus for the morning skate, or if there’s no morning skate, they have a team meeting or stretch in the parking lot.

After all the morning team stuff is done they can nap, watch television, or find lunch. Lunch is pretty much either a container of noodles they brought with them from home warmed in the lobby’s microwave, or they walk to a nearby restaurant or store.

Afternoons are usually free until it’s time to load the bus and head to the arena for the game. When they’re in Pensacola they find time to go to the beach, or just watch television in their room until nap time.

A few hours before puck drop and they start making their way to the parking lot to load the bus, all in matching black Marksmen polos.

There’s an excitement and a tension starting to build. I can feel it, even see it in some of them. A leg bouncing up and down. The way some of them stare off into space for a second before their attention snaps back to whoever is talking to them. Nervous laughter. Bravado. Some are too loud, some go silent. There’s still the banter and the comradery and always the overwhelming sense of being a team.

The bus itself has it’s own atmosphere. There’s a stillness and a calm. It’s peaceful, despite the lack of size. Stepping into the dark closeness I don’t feel claustrophobic or cramped, it’s just comfortable. It’s like stepping into another world, but one I’m somehow familiar with. There’s warmth and welcome here. Bunks on top of bunks, blankets, and pillows scattered around, snacks left waiting on the too small counter.

 As the players climb on, the bus suddenly seems even smaller. Impossibly small, there’s no way they all fit. They seem larger than life to me in that moment, impossible god-like giants doing impossible things. I stare around in awe, dumbstruck at the overwhelming feeling of insignificance.

How did I end up here?

I blink and suddenly they’re just dudes on a bus again. I grinned, once again overwhelmed, but this time by the enormity of seeing a mildly silly dream realized. And it was FUN. The lighting was terrible for photos and I couldn’t move anywhere to find a better angle or photograph anything different than what I could see in front of me, but I could not have been happier. To them, it was just another in the long line of bus rides. They looked at their phones, drank coffee, stared out the window, and quietly chatted. It was not a long ride to the Pensacola Bay Center, but it felt like years. But at the same time, it was over in a moment, far too soon.

We pulled into the parking lot alongside the building at the player entrance. Everyone grabbed their stuff and filed off the bus toward the building and through the door. The guys went to change, the coaches went to their room, the equipment manager and athletic trainer got themselves organized, and I found a seat right on the glass so I could enjoy the silence of the empty arena and stare at the ice. Soon enough, the guys began to trickle out around me, heading off in different directions to do whatever they did to get ready for the game. Some sit in the stands, some tape sticks by the ice, some throw a ball around. There’s stretching in the hallway, the locker room, and in the Zamboni area. Some make eye contact with me, some even give me a little half smile of acknowledgment. Most wear headphones. All of them are in the zone.

 There is a beauty in the focus and the absence of everything else. Everything falls away and it’s just the game.

I stay as quiet and still as possible. It’s a balance, I want to get photos and understand what they’re doing, but I don’t want to be a distraction. Some of my favorite photos come from those moments.

Once it’s time to don the sweater there’s yet another transformation. They come out of isolation and become a team. Still focused, still in the zone, but together. They’re aware of each other and what they need to do. There’s more banter, more nerves, and more fantastic photo opportunities.

In the tunnel with the team is one of my favorite places. There’s a raw energy and excitement that I’ve never experienced anywhere else. Traditionally, the starting goalie enters the ice first, so he’s usually in front. Dillon Kelley prepares for the start just like every goalie I’ve ever seen, except for one. They stand in the exact same position in the tunnel. Slightly apart from the rest of the team, bent over at the waist, leaning on pads, head down. 

Nathan Perry is the only goaltender I’ve seen standing straight up in the tunnel before a game. Rocking from side-to-side, his arms occasionally shot out, seemingly at random. I realized he was visualizing himself making saves, he may have not even been aware his arms were moving. It was like watching a dance. His teammates lined up in the tunnel behind him. I think there was a certain order to it but I couldn’t make much sense of it. Several of them have what looked like a secret handshake with each other instead of a traditional fist bump or high five.

In Pensacola their pre-game intro is… dramatic. By the third game of the weekend, the players were reciting it aloud along with the announcer. From a spectator point of view, it’s pretty fantastic - they turn off the lights, followed by a laser and smoke show. The public address announcer gives the visiting team a little grief, they announce their home starting lineup with great fanfare. It’s very well done. From a visiting team’s perspective, it seems both slightly over the top and also pretty impressive. The atmosphere in the Hanger is great. Fans are engaged and excited, it’s a really fun place to be.

 At one point fans took exception to a hit made by Tyler Palmer. Chants of “Pal-mer su-cks!” rang out, quickly picked up by two or three entire sections. Anytime he left the ice and was on the bench they would scream “Who do we want? Palmer! When do we want him? NOW!” and would keep it up until he was back on the ice when they would start cheering. I watched his face, wondering if it was bothering him. He seemed genuinely amused by it, especially when he scored a goal. I asked him later what it was like having masses of strangers yelling at him. He said, “It doesn’t bother me. Gotta have thick skin, especially on the road!” and was still fairly amused by the fact that “they really didn’t like me there.” 

 During intermissions, I watched in the locker room, on egg shells because of the high tension and raw emotion emanating from everyone. Coach Jesse Kallechy surprised me every single time he entered the room. He didn’t pull any punches or sugarcoat anything, but he was never cruel, always encouraging them to play better, to BE better. He pointed out things they needed to understand, listened to their questions, and got them fired up even when they were exhausted. I watched their faces as he talked. This is a man they respect and follow. He drew squiggly lines on a whiteboard that seemed to mean something to everyone in the room but me, the guys listened and watched intently, some even moving onto the floor to get a better view. They may have traded and cut some guys and signed new ones, but this was still the Marksmen.

Both teams battled it out fiercely all weekend. The Ice Flyers ultimately came away on top, but it wasn’t for lack of effort or hard work. Each game could’ve gone either way. Forcing all three games to overtime and one to a shootout shows just how closely matched the two teams were.

After the games, it was time for the boys to change back into the clothes they wore on their way to the rink, and devour the piles of pasta waiting in the hallway outside of the locker room. I hung back at first, certain everyone would be angry and closed off after a loss. I was wrong.

While they were upset, disappointed and angry, they were also busy and internalizing everything, trying to figure out how to be better. As they consumed yet more noodles, I planted myself by the food table to watch the process of coming out of “the zone” and back to being people again. They ate together, hung out with each other, and slowly pulled each other out of the disappointment of a loss. They didn’t forget about it or disregard it, but they were able to be friendly and kind and fun. Not as fun as at the beach or in a hotel lobby, but they had smiles for me and each other, despite the negative feelings lingering from the game.

Once everyone had eaten, they made their way outside to load up the bus and head back to the hotel, or on Sunday, to head back to Fayetteville. Almost all of them got on the phone immediately after walking out the door. Girlfriends, dads, brothers…they needed a familiar voice to tell them how the game went and how they played, plus receive encouragement and support.

Because at the end of the day they’re people, just like you and me. Doing an impossible, ridiculous, amazing job playing a game they love.

EDITOR'S NOTE: The Sin Bin wishes to thank Fayetteville Marksmen owner Chuck Norris, broadcaster Shawn Bednard, players and staff for granting us this inside look at the team.

We’re All Fine

I don’t think I had realized how much everything that’s going on has affected me. I’m a homeschooling stay-at-home mom. I lost hockey, the one thing I did for me, years ago. I’ve almost healed enough from that, the season ending early this year stung and resurrected some of the pain, but it’s manageable. My husband isn’t in danger of losing his job in the midst of this madness. We have plenty of food. Even some toilet paper. We’re fine. I’m fine. This is fine.

I love change, I really do. I get bored easily and I hop from thing to thing, throwing myself into whatever catches my interest. Always going with the flow. One of my spiritual gifts is faith, so that probably helps. I always know that everything is going to be fine. My God is in control, He’s got this. Freak not. This whole Covid-19 thing is no exception. I know without a doubt, no matter what happens, I will be okay. My family will be okay. This is just another crazy change in a long line of crazy changes.

I found myself idly scrolling Facebook this evening and found a livestream from one of the church’s involved in the Church United thing we’re doing. I clicked it to find my worship leader worshiping with four others from different church’s in our community. I thought about how great this is and how awesome our God is as I sang along. Woohoo! When the music ended the pastors started speaking. They talked for awhile about toilet paper and fear and trust and panic and faith. I was loving it! Fully engrossed and entranced, soaking in every word. My pastor said something… I don’t even remember what it was… but it reminded me of something I’ve heard him say on stage before, and I broke down into tears. Just started crying, and couldn’t stop. Which was confusing because what he had said wasn’t deep or philosophical, or anything but a joke really. But I heard God whisper very clearly “I am the same. This is your pastor and your church. Everything is different but I AM still ME. Be still and know that I am.”

I have sat in SouthPoint church nearly every Sunday for the past five or six years, and nearly every Sunday my friend and Pastor has spoken life into me. I miss being in that building and spending time with my friends, but I’m so thankful that the important things can’t be taken away or changed. My pastor is still my pastor and my God is still doing magnificent things through him. Everything is scary and messed up right now but just take a second and be still. Trust. Take a breath. We are that meme where the room around us is on fire but we’re sitting at the table and this really is fine because it’s still God’s table.

If you don’t feel fine that’s okay. I frequently let my feelings win (even though I know they’re generally lying to me), and I’m not okay either. It’s okay to not be okay. Reach out. You don’t have to do it alone.

Telling the Story

The final RiverKings home game of the 2017-18 in the regular season (and what turned out to be their final regular season game... ever.) was against the Fayetteville Marksmen on April 7, 2018. As team photographer there were certain images I *had* to capture, certain images I wanted to capture, as well as all the images required to tell the story.

1. The Mascot

2. National Anthem (this was a requirement of the team, but it’s also a good part of the story)

3. Anything special/different happening pre-game. As this was the final home game of the regular season, the booster club handed out awards to different players. If I were posting a gallery for fans to click though I would most likely include photos of all five players receiving their award. This is something fans want to see.

4. Game photos. Beware of posting similar images. The RiverKings went on to win 12-1, the amount of goal/celebration shots became tedious and felt redundant… but it was the story of the night.

5. Another requirement of the team- photos of check recipients. I had not been told that was happening that evening so I wasn’t there to photograph it, but I made it work. Is this something I’d include in a gallery for TSB? No, probably not.

6. Intermission shows/entertainment. I had to get all the teams/clubs/groups that did anything during intermission. It’s also part of the story. I always took special care in photographing cheerleaders and dancers. Beware of poses and what you’re trying to represent with your photos.

7. More game photos (finish telling the story). If you follow my work at all, you might notice that I had a routine covering RiverKings games. 1st period I’d be up in the upper bowl, 2nd period I’d be at ice level behind the goal we were shooting at, 3rd period back up in the 200s. Also depending on where I was and what lens I was using, my camera settings were usually the same spanning an entire game. This shot is interesting to me and I’m not sure if I’d include it on TSB. The goalie should be the focus, but he’s not. For some reason I like it though.

8. Something a lot of photographers seem to forget about are the fans. Fans being fans, not sitting there staring at their phones. In this instance some of the more… boisterous booster club members wanted to get a shot of them with their cowbells. I was happy to oblige. This is the kind of stuff teams want to see from us, the stuff they’ll share. Also this makes games looks fun and teams worth following (and reading about, and looking through more galleries….)

9. Final Outcome. This can be shown in a couple different ways. Here it’s fairly obvious. “RIVERKINGS WIN” is in huge black letters across the top of the photo. It can also be shown as a team defeated, a frustrated goalie, an angry coach… etc. Be creative and LOOK AROUND YOU.

Saluting the crowd with leading lines drawing the eye to the final score in the upper third of the frame.

10. Post-game. This goes hand in hand with the final outcome and can easily overlap. Where there stars of the game or was the home-team defeated? Was there anything special happening with fans? In this game, all players skated out onto the ice to throw t-shirts (after the fans were declared the stars of the game), and then there was open skating with the players. All a part of the story.

These images were specifically for the team (mostly to use for marketing- “Hey we’re awesome and we love our fans, come to games and then skate with us!”). But I also have a lot of fans, players, and player families following me on social media and they enjoy seeing these.

Fear the Fox

Fear... doing what I do I’ve felt it often. My own insecurities, the harshness of others, even for my physical well being. It’s always there in some form. When I first saw the Marksmen’s hashtag #FearTheFox it made perfect sense. To the other teams it’s a warning and to their fans it’s a rally cry. 

#FearTheFox is proudly displayed around the Crown Coliseum, even on the floors. 

Crown Coliseum in Fayetteville, NC. Home of the Marksmen.

Walking into the Crown for the first time I was overwhelmed by the beauty of the old concrete and metal building mixed with modern upgrades. The care and thought that went into the new additions made evident a tremendous pride in their team. The new scoreboard hung in place of honor at center ice, the new ribbon boards were almost too bright against the dull gray walls. It gave the building a young, clean, fresh feel while maintaining it’s history.

The rest of the building was just as surprising. In the basement dimly lit concrete hallways gave way to one of the most remarkable rooms I’ve ever been in: the Marksmen’s locker room. Bright and clean with the Marksmen logo everywhere. Charcoal gray carpet, white walls, and light colored wood stalls. The pride in their brand is palpable. The room is probably fairly good size, but with a larger than life fox with glowing red eyes suspended from the ceiling, everything felt small.

Marksmen locker room

It took me awhile to build up the courage to walk into that room. I was a stranger to most, an intruder in their sacred space. I finally went for it, stared around in awe, took a few photos, and left the way I came. I stood out in the tunnel that leads to the ice for a moment to collect my thoughts and watch the guys buzzing in and out. If I hadn’t been so nervous it would’ve been comical how they all gave me the same exact look. Mild shock, slight confusion, dawning realization, all followed by some level of panic somewhere along the lines of “There’s a camera and I don’t know what to do with my hands!” I saw Taylor Pryce (with Fayetteville) and Derek Sutliffe (of the Macon Mayhem) in the hallway. As former RiverKings forwards I’ve known both of them for awhile, and I’ve taken countless photos of each, but they both panicked and just started laughing when I pointed my camera their way.

Pryce, top, adjusts his helmet while trying to remember how to be photographed.
Sutliffe, bottom, forgets how to stretch.

#FearThePhotographer

Once everyone, myself included, got comfortable and found a flow, I started noticing things. Joe Osaka, a forward, removed his shoes each time before entering the locker room. I asked him about that after the game, curious to see if it was superstition or respect. He informed me it’s the great respect he has for his team, stemming from his Japanese heritage. Captain Jake Hauswirth spent most of his time in the locker room stretching, doing push-ups, and silently observing everything around him. It was clear he saw everything and wouldn’t hesitate to step in if any one of his guys was even slightly out of line.  Dillon Kelley, the Marksmen goalie, was full of energy and bounced between laughing with his teammates, playing the drums on his pads, and staring stoically off into space lost in thought. I’ve always been fascinated by goalies, what they do is amazing. They see everything in a game before it even happens. They have to know angles, math, psychology, physics, how their teammates play, how the opposing team plays… PLUS they have to move freaky fast all while having people chuck frozen rubber biscuits at them.

Kelley before the game

When Coach Kallechy came in to give his pre-game talk I had no idea what to expect. In the movies a coach will come in and start screaming, breaking clipboards, and throwing things at people. I had spoken with Coach previously and I didn’t think he’d behave like that, but maybe that’s what you have to do to fire up a hockey team, I don’t know. What happened instead left me with tears in my eyes and in awe of where I was and what I had witnessed.

”What is this?” he asked the silent room, pointing at the orange cones and tape measure lying in the middle of the floor. The guys stared, trying to work it out. So did I. Was it something hockey-ish? Distance to set up a certain play…? The length you should slide on one knee for a proper celly...? No, it was the remarkable length of Usain Bolt’s stride, which was just under ten feet. Coach Jesse went on to tell them that Bolt’s stride is what made him unique and unbeatable, and every single player on his team has a ten foot stride. They don’t need to do everything, they don’t have to try to win every game alone. If everyone recognizes and remembers what their own unique ten foot stride is, they’ll be unstoppable. Telling them all to stand up, he threw a puck to someone and told him what his ten foot stride is. That guy then threw the puck to a teammate and told him what his was, and on and on it went until everyone heard from a teammate what makes them special and unique.

That is what it’s all about. 

It hit me in that moment, standing in the corner of their locker room, watching them build each other up under that slightly terrifying red eyed fox... There are two different types of fear. The first is what people generally think- being scared. But the second is so much more than that. It’s to have a sense of respect and awe, to submit to something greater than yourself. So yeah, be afraid. The Marksmen are young and talented and absolutely relentless, but more importantly they hold each other up and show one another loyalty and respect. They are living breathing examples of what it means to #FearTheFox.

The Marksmen have a long road ahead of them. Re-branding, new ownership, insane head coach turnover... it’s a good thing these guys have each other’s backs because at times it probably feels like no one else does. Change is oftentimes painful and difficult, but they won’t give up. They will keep reminding each other what their ten foot strides are, and they’ll keep pounding away little by little. I’ll be cheering for them every step of the way.  

2018-19 Season Begins

Last night was the start of the SPHL season. Eight teams and a dozen of my former teammates faced off against each other.

 October 19th Matchups featuring former RiverKings, and Jordan Ruby- Macon’s goalie (I’ve always loved his helmet).

Going into last night I had very mixed emotions. Sad, for the obvious. No hockey here, no team for me. Happy because so many I love are still living their dream playing the sport they love. Conflicted because they were all facing off against one another. Who do I cheer for? Can they all win...? 

As pucks started dropping around the league I easily fell back into old habits. I pray, not for a certain player to score or a particular team to win, but that everyone stays safe. No broken bones, no skates slicing into arteries, no sudden cardiac arrest. You know, normal mom/sister stuff lol. Not only do I want them safe, I genuinely want them to have fun and be happy, no matter how they as an individual or as a team plays. So listening to them battle back and forth it really wasn’t much different than the past three seasons. Yes I’ve loved the RiverKings, and yes they were “my favorite team”, but it was never actually the team. It’s always been the players. And they’re still the same wonderful people with jokes and laughs and sorrows and fears (just kidding, they’re not afraid of anything!). They just wear different colors now. But they’re still my team, and I’ll cheer for all of them. It’s going to be a fun season. 

Derek Sutliffe (19) and Matt Harrington (74) of the Mississippi RiverKings 2017-18

Matt Harrington (74) of the Pensacola Ice Flyers, and Derek Sutliffe (19) of the Macon Mayhem 2018-19 [photo credit: Sandy Sutliffe]

The Start of Another Season

This week marked the start of the 2018-19 season in the SPHL. Training camp, media day, scrimmages, exhibition games… New players in town, headshots to take, old friends to reconnect with…

But not for me.

I had plans for what would’ve been my fourth season with the RiverKings. I wanted to get fans more engaged and the community more aware of what was going on. A bigger presence on social media (player interviews, staff/player takeovers, more photos/videos), more community interaction, more behind the scenes footage, just… more. Was I ever in a position to make any of that happen? Nope, not really. But the guys trusted me, and because of that I had more sway than maybe anyone. I could’ve asked, planted ideas… and then who knows! I knew exactly the players to ask to help with social media, the players who’d make it fun and engaging, the players who didn’t want to be in the spotlight, the players who HATED having their picture taken. I knew who to be reserved and professional with and who I could horse around with, I knew who to prep before an interview and who I could sneak attack with an Instagram Live interview that would leave fans laughing and wanting to meet the boys in person. I knew who would have my back and keep their teammates in line if I ran into any problems. It was going to be a great season!

And then one terrible day in May it all came crashing down. No great season, not even a season. No teammates, no media, no hockey. I lost my job but more painfully I lost a family. A bunch of random dudes I look up to and respect and admire like older brothers but are in fact younger than I. Now they’re all spread around the league, which is to be expected in minor league hockey, but there’s no chance of them traveling here with their new team to play here again. Because there is no “here”. Not for them. And really it’s probably very good for most, if not all, of them. New team, new coach, new fanbase… change can be good.

I wasn’t ready for the change though, it wasn’t time for me to be done. If I’m being honest I wasn’t there to photograph hockey, that’s never what it was about. God has given me a deep love and respect for my hockey players. I’ve caught a glimpse of what a dark and scary place the world of professional hockey can be, and how lonely you can feel. These guys do what they do with their whole heart, and I think most of them feel more alone than they should. It’s just the culture. You look out for yourself because everyone else is just using you for something, and most definitely no one cares about how you feel. I was on a mission to change that. To show them kindness and that not everyone is using them to discard them. To let them know that I see them as people first, hockey players second. To remind them that they’re loved and worthy of that love.

So I’m going to follow in the footsteps of these amazing young men I admire so much. The first couple weeks of June were spent in a pretty impressive pity party. I don’t want to be sad though, I want to be in the world of hockey! TheSinBin.net has given me an incredible opportunity this season covering the ENTIRE LEAGUE. So I’ll be traveling as much as possible photographing all ten teams! What I thought was losing my team in fact meant gaining ten more. I’ll still get to photograph these guys who mean so much to me AND do some pretty radical photo projects. Anything I can think of that teams will allow me to do is going to happen. Behind the scenes, photo stories, special photoshoots… It’s going to be AMAZING.

I’ll be using this blog to document my travels and share my story. If you have any teams you want to see more of, any individual players, or any fun ideas please send me a message and let me know. Maybe if we work together we can show the world that they’re people. And the most incredible people I’ve ever known. Maybe if they know they’re loved for who they are and we’re here for them we won’t read so many stories of pro hockey players struggling with depression, substance abuse, and suicide. Maybe we can change the world.

2017-18 RiverKings 

Photography Basics

 Quick tips for anyone interested in photography.

Exposure: the phenomenon of light striking the surface of film or a digital imaging sensor. The exposure is determined by the volume of light passing through the lens aperture (f/stop) combined with the duration of the exposure (shutter speed). 

Aperture: The adjustable opening—or f-stop—of a lens determines how much light passes through the lens on its way to the camera's imaging sensor. “Faster” lenses have wider apertures, which in turn allow for faster shutter speeds. The wider (smaller number) the aperture is set, the shallower the depth of field will be in the resulting image.

Shutter Speed: The length of time the shutter remains open when the shutter release is activated, most commonly expressed in fractions or multiples of a second.

ISO: a number indicating an image sensor’s sensitivity to light.

White balance: The camera's ability to correct color cast or tint under different lighting conditions including daylight, indoor, fluorescent lighting, and electronic flash. Also known as “WB,” many cameras offer an Auto WB mode that is usually—but not always—quite accurate. (In church it’s never accurate and it's always terrible)

Depth of Field: the measure of how much of the background and foreground area before and beyond your subject is in focus. Depth of field can be increased by stopping the lens down to smaller apertures. Conversely, opening the lens to a wider aperture can narrow the depth of field. 

Histogram: A visual representation of the exposure values of a digital image. Histograms are most commonly illustrated in graph form by displaying the light values of the image's shadows, midtones, and highlights as vertical peaks and valleys along a horizontal plane. When viewing a histogram, the shadows are represented on the left side of the graph, highlights on the right side, and midtones in the central portion of the graph.

Metering Modes: how the camera measures the reflected light and determines the optimal exposure. The most common metering modes in digital cameras today are:

·         Evaluative Metering (Matrix Metering if you’re using a Nikon)- the default metering mode on most DSLRs. It works by dividing the entire frame into multiple “zones”, which are then all analyzed on an individual basis for light and dark tones. One of the key factors (in addition to color, distance, subjects, highlights, etc) that affects matrix metering, is where the camera focus point is set to. After reading information from all individual zones, the metering system looks at where you focused within the frame and marks it more important than all other zones.

·         Center-weighted Metering- evaluates the light in the middle of the frame and its surroundings and ignores the corners. Compared to Matrix Metering, Center-weighted Metering does not look at the focus point you select and only evaluates the middle area of the image.

·         Spot Metering- only evaluates the light around your focus point and ignores everything else. It evaluates a single zone/cell and calculates exposure based on that single area, nothing else.

Autofocus Modes:

·         Continuous Focusing Mode- AI Servo AF (Canon)/AF-C (Nikon) most useful for keeping moving objects sharp within the viewfinder as you track the object. As soon as you begin to depress the shutter release, the camera goes into action and begins to focus. In Continuous focusing mode, the camera detects the subject’s movements and refocuses accordingly to keep the object sharp as a tack.

·         One-Shot AF (Canon)/AF-S (Nikon), which represent single-focus capability. In this mode, when you depress the shutter release halfway, the camera focuses on the subject just once – there’s no continuous adjustment. This mode saves battery power, and is ideal for subjects that aren’t moving.

·         Automatic Autofocus- AI Focus AF (Canon)/AF-A (Nikon) This is a relatively new feature which has turned out to be quite useful. In this mode the camera’s focusing computer jumps back and forth between Continuous and One-Shot, depending on the situation.

Composition

·         “Rule” of thirds.

·         Diagonals

·         Leading lines

·         Negative space

·         Don’t crop at joints

·         Check your background

·         Check your foreground

·         Actual rule- level horizon (unless it’s intentional)