The five of us played Ticket to Ride the other day. It’s a fun game where you get train tickets with different destinations and you have to lay down little tiny train pieces on a big map to connect cities and complete the routes on your tickets. The rule to determine who the starting player is “The player who is the most experienced traveler goes first”. It sparked a fun conversation. I’ve traveled the most and have gone the furthest, and after talking for a few minutes we realized that Alex has flown on an airplane more than Mitch has, because of our trips to Florida in the last year and the times he flew as a baby.
From that conversation came the inevitable “We’re supposed to be in Florida this week but we had to push it back and now we probably have to cancel all together because of money and other stuff going on”. Which is so disappointing. But that’s life. And consequences. I keep wondering if I’m being punished. Like what have I done so wrong that everything is falling apart? I think I figured that out today- I’m not being punished, I’m being reminded to abide. I am SO stubborn God basically had to put me in timeout because I wouldn’t stop going going going and just shut up and listen. I’m so used to being the one who makes decisions and handles things (comes with the territory of having three kids and always trying to be a good mom). Lately I’ve been mad. Like super pissed. Mostly at Mitch, but also at myself and at God. Mitch got a promotion but in going to management he lost the use of a technicians van. So now he takes my minivan to work and I have no vehicle and can’t handle anything anymore. Which kinda makes me enraged if I think about it for too long. So I just stopped thinking about it for awhile, which wasn’t a great idea. Pro tip: if you keep shoving down your feelings eventually they will come boiling out and you’ll have a complete breakdown, probably on New Year’s Eve when you have a bunch of stuff to do and it’ll make you late and will stress you out more. Just a guess. Not like that happened to me or anything…
This week we’re fasting. The five of us as a family and our church as a whole. We do it every year but this is the first time all three kids have participated fully. I’ll make a full post on what we ate, what we didn’t eat, and everything I’ve learned and have been reminded of sometime this weekend or next week. I’m hungry and exhausted, but feeling better than I have in a long time. Today I had a breakthrough, the Holy Spirit reminded me to abide. To be still and know. Then I opened up Timehop (super fun app if you don’t have it btw) and saw that one year ago today the kids and I took our first trip to Florida. It was the first time on a plane for Eli and Lily, and the first time Alex can remember. The memories made me SO mad! HOW did I let my own pride and stubbornness get us to a point where we can’t even afford to pay our own bills let alone go on a trip? WHY did I think I could do it better than God? When did I become so bitter? When did I decide I didn’t need help? Where did my faith go?
So I’m letting go. New year, new me. Not “new me” because it’s a new year, new me because I’m making changes and giving it all to Him. I am clearly not qualified to handle things. And yeah it sucks that we didn’t get to take our trip this month but you know what? I’m pretty sure God has even better things in store for us, and I can’t wait.
