“New Year, New Me”? I don’t feel new. I feel tired. Kinda sad. Pretty angry. But new? No. New problems, sure. New things to stress about? Absolutely. But a brand new me? Nah. On Sunday evening while we were waiting for the countdown to midnight I was talking to a friend about our resolutions and goals for the new year. I’m kinda going day by day at the moment, and I told him honestly my only goal for this year is to try to be okay. Cause that’s all I’ve got in me right now. 2023 was rough. It’s been one thing after another and left me feeling like a broken failure. I found myself wondering what I’ve done so horribly wrong, why I’m being punished, and what do I need to do to make it stop.
In the past year I’ve been hurt by people I love, more than I’ve ever been hurt before. Some of those relationships have been repaired but some haven’t. Despite the effort on both sides and the incredible friendships that have grown from that I can’t help but wonder if I’m still disposable. And of course I always feel like too much of a burden to ask for any kind of reassurance or clarification. That’s the heart of it though, isn’t it? I feel like a burden, because I feel like I’m not worth the effort. Because I’m not good enough. So obviously I’m disposable. Peoples actions generally confirm that. Let’s ignore the fact that people have their own stuff going on. Their own insecurities and fears and feelings of never being good enough. Nope, their behavior is definitely all about me.
Can you imagine what the world would be like if people were brave enough to voice their insecurities and fears? And if people could put their own fears and insecurities aside to listen to those concerns and respond with love instead of getting defensive and angry? Why is our go to: “They haven’t texted me in awhile, they must be mad at me or they just don’t care. Well the phone works both ways so I guess they can make more of an effort if they want me in their life.” Instead of: “I wonder if they’re okay. They must have a lot going on, I should check in.” When did it become so normal to assume the worst about everyone? People will disappoint you. It will hurt. People will make you mad. That will hurt too, when the anger fades. But guess what? Everyone is hurting. The world kinda sucks right now. Everyone keeps getting sick, it’s too expensive to live, and everyone’s miserable. Why does my hurt entitle me to a self righteous sense of martyrdom? I’m not special because of the crap I’ve gone through and the way some people have treated me. Im not special because 2023 was the worst year I’ve ever experienced. Broken relationships, serious financial hardships, a CPS investigation, losing a vehicle, more broken relationships, more financial hardship, and now I’m being sued. Not to mention our internet has been turned off and our car insurance is about to lapse and our garbage disposal broke . I don’t really sleep anymore I just worry. Doesn’t make me special though. Everyone had a bad year. Everyone has crap going on. Everyone’s hurting.
There’s an expression I’ve seen floating around social media. “Don’t cross an ocean for someone who wouldn’t cross a puddle for you.”
I hate it. I hate it so much. Absolutely cross oceans for people. Love people unconditionally. If love is conditional then it isn’t really love. Sometimes people don’t have a boat. Sometimes people can’t swim. Sometimes people are like the aliens from Signs and they’re allergic to water or whatever and if they get too close to your oceans they’ll straight up die. That’s how not okay people are sometimes. Don’t be taken advantage of and don’t let people use you, but if you have love to give then shut up and give it. Go nuts and don’t expect anything back.
Your worth isn’t determined by who crosses oceans for you, you’re worth more than other people’s actions and opinions. So go wild- cross oceans even when you KNOW you won’t be met halfway or at all. Find joy in the knowledge that you’re irrationally generous with your love. Surround yourself by people who can see you and will cross oceans for you when they can and will meet you, throw you a lifeline, or call the coast guard when they can’t tackle the whole ocean.
I want 2024 to be full of love. Find the joy. Dance it out. Take a nap. Stop taking things personally. Cross oceans. Let people be there for you.
Let yourself be loved. You’re worth it, I pinkie promise.